Phoebs Up

Just attended another faceless function. I enjoyed singing in the chorus and was happy that the teacher said i sang well. But it only reminded me of the happy times. Times of jubilee when i sang in church. How meaningful the words are. How our hearts rang with unison. Not hollow with vanity.

Its sad when you have met the same people many times but they do not know your name, yet remember you for your connection to someone important. Perhaps i am judging again?

Well i guess HE has a reason for it. HE knows why.

Save me from..

In the Lioness den,
may i find comfort in you.
Help me Lord, My Master,
save me from hatred deep.

-15Th June 2006. 1am. Phoebe

" I pour my complaint before Him, before Him i tell my trouble."-Psalm 142:2

Oh the May/June rains have arrived or so the radio says. I’ve been having sleepless nights. Every little noise or movement seemed to irritate me…Its either 2 or 3am when i crawl into bed and even after that the voices in my head seem to absorb me..I think it is the fact that i will be going back to Singapore soon that excites me too much. It frightens me too, not knowing what kind of state i will be coming back to

Not a new observation but i wonder if all men like silly , nonsensical shows like " Shaolin Soccer". My husband seem rather intrigue but the nature of its stupidity. Ha ah while as i was fascinated by this old black and white movie called " The Heiress". It was indeed about a Heiress that was set in a time where petticoats puffed up around you and you swoon at the professing of love. But the fact that this plain, simple girl learn how to hate and become cynical fascinated me. 

We are so not alike. Yet we manage. ;P

*The rains that come
bring swift relieve
to those who seek its cool.

He’ll come what may
to bring today
a delicate kiss or 2.*

-just some thoughts

Its not easy to write as you grow older. Sometimes you fear people judge. Sometimes you judge yourself harshly too. Somehow i have been thinking about death and surrendering alot these days. Not that the topic is not familiar with me but at Bible study , in my Women’s meeting and even on the news, Death seems to be everywhere.

I ask myself am i so privilege now that i have forgotten how it feels to lose someone? Have i forgotten that it is not the end for some but is the end for others? What am i doing to better my life here? How can i live my life now so that in death it is glorified for God.

I do not know Anderson Copper from CNN but i admire him. In fact i have a tiny crush on him. He seems intelligent, fearless and even dashing. Ha ha i marvel at how my taste in men have changed. He did an interview on Larry King today and i did not know that his dad died when he was nine and his brother committed suicide in his 20s. I do not admire him for the fact that he has survived these,but for the fact that he had emerge strong and moved on. The stories that  he reports seem to come from his heart and seem real. From inside. I do not know if he is a Christian but i hope that God will use him to touch many people.

Admiring Anderson is different from loving David. I’ve said this many times and I’m not afraid to say it more but i am sure that God has given me David as an ultimate present. I can’t imagine feeling such tenderness and gentleness from any other man. He taught me to love is to surrender to God. And that true love is not just passion but the merging of 2 hearts and souls to God.

I told my group yesterday that surrendering to God to me meant yielding to him and someone mentioned leaving it to God’s will. Even the illness of a friend or family member. Not easy.

I suddenly thought of R and D and how i have never written about them before. I am no one to assume how they might have felt the last moments of their lives and i have not told anyone. Or maybe people had just assumed that i was strong enough as i had covered my  pain behind the masks that i had worn then.

I met R when i was in Shatec. He was one of my serious boyfriends. Part of me loved him then another hated him to the core. He was possessive, hot-tempered , passionate and aggressive and i liked that alot. I was in-capable of knowing what love was and naive to think that i could find that in him. He often bite me and left me with blue-blacks and told he that he had a good friendship with his friend D. I trusted him.

I liked D though i have never actually had a long conversation with her. Her eyes seemed to tell stories about her, her grace and gentleness was something that i thought was lacking in me. I remember thinking how lucky R was to have a girlfriend like me and a good friend in her.  I wanted to know her better but R threaten to punished me if i did. I remember being proud then, knowing that i had wit and looks and that i had the confidence to win every battle that came my way.

I lost. I lost because of pride. Perhaps if i had seen the signs in D’s eyes i would have known. Too many questions. Too many nights that i dreamt of D and her haunting face. Her Face and her sadness came to me for the longest time. D had taken her life and she was to turn 21 that year. I spoke to her sister whom i knew too and i could not imagine her pain. I tried to explain then that I had not known of D’s love or R’s lies. Yet i knew i could not take away the pain she felt.

God made it  possible for me to speak to D’s sister after the many years that came between us. I know that D would be proud that her sister is healthy and has grown to be a strong and confident lady.

R died 1 year after D. We had just broken up 6 months before. He died in a motorcycle accident.  I was in London when i heard the news from my mom. I remember feeling numb. Then just feeling that perhaps it was right. That they had a love that was meant to be an everlasting love.

I guess that fact that you had loved someone who had passed away stays with you and you have to deal with it sometime.  The thing is how do you deal with it? Do you hide in a corner and cry? Do you let it abuse you? Do you run away from it?  I did . But God did not. I would like to think that I was the one who had suffered and emerge stronger.

No, not me. I was losing. I was dying . He (God) knew exactly the person He wanted me to be. He pulled me out of the deepest pain that i could feel. The pain not from a mortal wound that heals but one that clung to my deepest soul. He made that pain His and took my hand.

I had to crawl on my knees and hands out of the pit that i had built through the years. I had torn the many masks that were plastered on my face to get to where i am today, but if not for God’s grace i couldn’t have. If not for God’s love i would not have been able to . I thank Him and i thank him for allowing me to surrender completely to Him.

I know my story is not of importance compared to the disasters of the world. Yet i feels like a stone has been lifted each time i tell this story. I am thankful to my cousin for talks that we had. It had brought back memories that reminded me that before all of the pain that i had brought myself i had a normal life before all these craziness:) And that He had always intended for me to be good.

Good i shall be till the end of my days. I only wished i had known Him earlier. Only wished many who are / were suffering know of His love. Its not to late you know?

I keep this in my dairy all the time:

God be Willing