Phoebs Up

It is a sad thing to say Goodbye to someone you love.

It was painful to see her grow weaker and weaker but she still continued to be strong for us till the very end not showing any pain till she met my eldest auntie that came in from Hong Kong.

Come to think of it that was just 2 weeks ago. That memory still feels fresh. Seems like we did not have enough time to tell her all the things we wanted to say.  God was good enough to let us spend time with her and to be at her bedside while she took her last breath.

Her daughters held her as they kneeled, cousins all curled together in tears and for a moment i did not know what to do. All seemed too surreal. Then i saw my sister and cousin Huiyi together in prayer and i went to join them.

Peace then filled me. Perhaps i will see her again.

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I read this to family and friends just before they cremated her.

" Dearest Ma ma                                                  30th January

Your warm memories never Fade even as Amber’s burn,

Your smile still reigns in our Hearts and Minds.

God willing We’ll see you in Heaven sometime in eternity,

Where our bodies are no longer an object but we are able to run healthy and forever free.

Indeed you have left behind a Legacy of Love and Bond.

Indeed your life was great.

There can never be another one like you.

No one can replace.

Goodbye Mama,

Goodbye till we meet again.

Ever loving ,

Pei.

-Yea , when this flesh and heart shall fail and mortal life shall cease. I shall possess, within the veil,  a life of joy and peace.-Amazing Grace-

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Perhaps in heaven language is not a barrier In heaven there will be no pain and our bodies will be a new one. I hope that i will see Mama there, her face smiling at me.

To the many friends who have been encouraging and a source of comfort i say thanks. Through it all God has been my comforter and strength and may He continue to be so.

As for my mom, today she seems like her normal self again. I think that I am very much like her. Strong on the surface but soft in the heart. Pray that God will guide me in comforting her and guiding Him to her.

"All men are like grass,and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever."-1 Peter 24-25

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 6-7

I too was like Peter, i realized that when i first received Christ i had turned away from Him many times, but he showed me he loved me at my darkest time and His blood saved me and gave me new hope, new joy.

———————————————————————Dearest Cousins,

May we continue to be a close family.May we all be strong in this time of sadness, may we be pillars of strength and hope to our loved ones.

"Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us." Romans 5: 5

" I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

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To My Grandma

Mama, i am blessed to have known you for 28years. You gave birth to my mom who has been my pillar of strength and you were hers. Indeed as Ting says you both are so similar. Call me selfish but i wish i get to eat your cooking 1 last time. You told me you will teach me to cook sweet potato soup and peanuts with chicken wing tips, you didn’t.

I wish i can still see you in your room laying on your chair as you watch your favorite drama while the others gossip around you.

Our moments were always in the kitchen while you cut chillies or were busy preparing something i would go to you and ask if you needed help you always said " bu yong, chu qu ji li hen re" -no need , go out its hot here. Sometimes i would stay to help you a little but usually i leave to get out of the way. In that way you were always putting our comfort before yours.

I love taking an afternoon nap on your old bed, it always smells of you. I understand why you like laying there. You get to see all the pictures of your grand children in their wedding and graduation best. You took pride in every one of us and loved us all. Annabel told me that you can even remember all our birthday months. You gave us all red packets each year.

From your bed you could see the sky as a breeze flow in. I think you thought of Gong Gong many times and i can almost imagining you gossiping with mummy and tua yi.  You loved all your children didn’t you? I can tell. They all love you while you were here and more so now that you’re not.

At my wedding you told David to take care of me and i him.

The last thing you told David was to take care of me too, thank you , thank you for always caring for me. I promised you that i will take care of mummy for you and that we shall always be close as a family. I intend to keep to that promise so don’t worry okay.

Mama I do not know if you heard our prayers but I believed you did , God did answer our prayers in many ways perhaps you have heard him too.

I shall always remember everything about this last few weeks. Your smile the 1st time you saw me. Your small laugh when i gave you the rabbit, your determination to be strong till the end. Your smooth face,hands, legs. The smell of olay. Your soft, beautiful white hair. The way your hand felt under mine and your last words.

There are still so many things i want to say but then again you will say "Pei ah i know, just be a good girl to your mummy and a good wife to your husband."

Never really got to tell you but i want to say now.

Ma ma I love you and always will.

Goodbye forever.

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It is cold today, 7degrees. I still have to pack and do some cleaning but i wanted to share this:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers. neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Found out 2 days ago that My grandma (ma ma) is dying from lung cancer. I cried the whole day yesterday. And the moment i heard about it i was in despair.

It cannot be….I have not seen her and have so many things i want to share with her. I have not  said i love her and she has not seen the kids that i would have .

Fay Ann told me that her legs are as big as my arms. And she had asked her when will she and Greg were to have kids. Her heart ached when  ma ma said that . Ma ma kept telling them ( my cousins and my sister) that D and myself will be back this weekend.

I told Fay i was sharing with some ladies in church yesterday  how we eat chilli with everything while they ate theirs with plums and radish. I started to wept at the thought of how lovingly my grandma would prepare chillies and fried fish for me to take back to Tokyo.

Am i selfish for wanting her to live forever? Am i sad for my mom?

I had so many questions.

I woke up at 5:45am yesterday after sleeping for 4hours. D laid beside me sound asleep. I felt restless and wanted to talk to someone. So when Pastor Jerry returned my emailed i called him. He prayed with me and i decided to call my BSF (Bible Study fellowship) leader, Png.

What she told me encouraged me a great deal. She said that she had asked herself why her now successful son Paul was blind on one eye , like perhaps Paul in the Bible was. But now she is proud of that.

God gives us trials , not ones that we cannot bear but ones that can help strengthen us and in turn Glorify Him. I intend to bring this home with me.

This i ask humbly, that all my friends pray with us for my dearest grandma . Pray for the strength that we need for the trials to come and the wisdom to handle all situations.

i know we can do all things thru Christ who strengthen and heals.

"My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare."psalm 26 :15

Nehemiah 1:5-6 " O Lord, God of heaven , the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to heart the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night…"