Phoebs Up

I am bruised all over. Heroic or idiotic me tried to joined an advance dance class yesterday night only to find out that though in your mind you are 22 your out -of- shape body tells you to wake up ;p

Being singaporean female also means that killer cramps and lack of hip-hop skills doesn`t mean you crawl to the corner of the dance hall and throw in the towel.

And so i endured the 2hour warm up and dance class. Fun?  Yes . Lots of Pain? Totally. Some body really has to start exercising.

As to why i have not been writing?  I think i have been trying to avoid thinking all together these days. Sometimes i think i take up classes to enrich my life or to justify my life over here. I am a little lost as to what i can or should do  with my 2  more years over here.

There are days where i feel like i am missing out on the lives of those so dear to me in singapore.

Other times i cling on the precious time that i have with D over here.

Perhaps its the age factor ( next year being the big 3 0 ), mid-life?? I do find myself wondering about alot of things.

Yet today`s preparation  for sunday school helped me.

Mark 5:21-36 The story of the  Dead Girl and the Sick Women.

How often we lose faith in the many things/people around us. Yet the Father of the dead girl sought Jesus and believed that He could heal his beloved daughter.

And the Women that had bleed for many years believed that as long as she could touch Jesus`s clothes she would be healed.

How often we hide the wounds in our hearts and the pain in our soul. If only we could surrender and have faith as easily.

I try to tell myself that too. Surrender. Have Faith. Live for His Glory and return victorious.

So here i am telling myself that its past the other half of 2007 time to restart goals

Miss all at home and Yan , Anand truly enjoyed your company over here. Sorry we were not great host ;p

"Don`t be afraid, Just believe" Mark 5:36

I can`t believe it is almost June. Half a year has almost gone by.  I have to stand in church and read my testimony this Sunday.

It`s funny that God decided to give me the inspiration 12am.

I think i like what i  wrote but i shall edit it a bit more before i post it.

I miss writing but i`ve been doing some stuff and being just plain lazy.

This year i am taking over the senior high Sunday school (like secondary students) and will be teaching kindergarten for 20mins, twice a month. I`m still shocked that i would be doing the kindergarten thing. I pray for strengthen and the discipline.

I met a famous person this week too. Not sure if i can mention her but she is from japan and she looks good in real life. My friend convinced me to take a picture with her. Ha ha heard she was a DJ before she became a politician wife. I had many many in appropriate questions to ask her but of course  i restrained myself from doing so.

We got ourselves a new toy. A Mac. Its white, luminous and very friendly. I`m still toying around with it. I feel a little worried about the white keyboard and told D that the skin is supposed to be on it all times..hee hee.

Promise to write more. I promise to write soon.

Been thinking and feeling that God is so good to us .

All the time every day.

What i`ve learnt this week:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." +Romans 15:13

God has worked in our lives in so many ways, and i am so thankful to Him.

I do wish that i can spend more time with my sister before her marriage. I must admit that i get a little jealous of all the time she is spending with mum. Nah, i think it is good for both of them.

HAPPY BELATED MOTHERS` DAY  TO ALL MY MUMMY FRIENDS MISS YOU ALL.

It’s been a very very busy few months. I had my mom and relatives over, planned for easter and was just told a few days prior to the event that i would be in charge of a section at the bazaar.

Que: " How are Women made to handle stress?"
Ans: " We take it and multi-task" (occasionally taking it out on our lovely husbands

Thus resulting in my now semi-flu-sleeping-till-the-sun-hits-my-hide- days.

Having mom here felt like the good ole days where she would be frantically cleaning away and me stressing over her fussing still i love her:)

More importantly was our 2hour heart to heart one night. We teared and laughed as we spoke about Mama’s last days , discussed about my sis’s big day (still not siding with anyone :P) Perhaps it was the stillness in the night or have i grown older, she softer or me the better listener, it seemed like we could contact on a level that i never felt before. And i liked that. It reminded me how vulnerable she is despite her strong image.

We prayed with her before she left and i asked her if now was the time to accept HIM. She said soon but not now. I pray that with patience, endurance and HIS timing that she will accept HIM.

As she stood waiting for the bus to leave, tears started to roll down her beautiful face. I had told Ting that i would be strong and that i would not cry, but i started too as the bus started to roll away so did my tears. Sad and yet i felt ironic in knowing this is all part of growing up.

Having my aunts and uncles here felt like home. Waking up to a house full of noise and laughter. Late night drinking with  my uncle, sharing stories with my aunties made me happy. Yet honestly having one’s home back really is great!! David and myself celebrated by not doing anything for 2 whole days…ha ha …but truly we do enjoy having company.

Chok Yew came too. I felt bad that  i could only invite her for dinner one day. Sorry gal , next time we can spend more time.

Moo is coming!!!!Yippee can’t wait to house her and get to know her friend

Josh ,Cin and Lorreign will be coming end of April, we are thinking of going somewhere with them .

We also went to Kyoto- it is thee most beautiful place i’ve ever been in japan. There is something about post Edo period in japan and the sakura’s just filled the place making it seem even more heavenly. Wished we had more time to visit more. Next time perhaps.

Tomorrow will be the Event. I shall start my day at 6am and pray (pray with me) that all will go well. That the volcanoes on my face (read pimples) will subside.

I truly apologize for not writing earlier and will try to write more after this last hectic week. And through it all i can only say that God and David had really helped me and pray they will continue to do so. Love you both.

"I can do all in Him that Strengthens.."

PS: i felt encouraged by a message from someone who than i had left an impression on him and his family thanks.

Its the in between that bugs me. Its so cold now..maybe 6degrees? Its been a very busy week. A good friend got married, visited an art school, planned for easter etc etc. Yet All is good. That night i sat in bed thinking of the date that my grandma passed away and felt sad again i almost forgot it.

I thought to myself will i forget the way she sounds just as I’ve forgotten how ah ma sounds. It’s been a while since i thought of her.

David has been having a non existent life, so busy with work that it is giving him aches. Can only pray that he will have more time to breathe after the visit.

Its almost Good Friday. This year I’m suppose to be planning the children program. I hope they will enjoy it

Coming back to japan this time is really bitter-sweet. Feel like i have a job here and that life here is so different from Singapore. Guess i need to look towards God for guidance. Need to draw closer to HIM.

Have i changed ?

I hope i did. Seeing all my cousins grow is so wonderful. Wish i could see my new niece- Keira.

Will write again soon.

"change and renew my heart - Romans 12: 2"

I find my tears flowing at the weirdest places. During dinner while we discuss his work. In the bathroom as i read an article. Listening to Bocelli’s haunting voice.

I miss her.

I found a bottle of something she made for me. Another one i had kept a long time and has been passed its expiry. Why does everything have a shelf life?

I keep myself busy since I’ve been back. Really who could ask for more? A loving devoted husband. One’s own home. A God that i can call upon in this time of sadness. Yet for most of the time i hide my hurt deep inside me. There are others whose grief are greater than mine. Other people than i can pray for. Joyous occasion to look forward too.

Yet thinking back, i started to feel sad when i saw Mummy’s tears as she whispered " I’m so glad you were here at this time for me.." Perhaps I’m slow to feel..perhaps God was protecting me. I looked at their faces and cherished the fact that they had sent me. Hugs given with great abundance and tears for the journey that I’ll keep till i return again.

My sister who has without warning grown. Still need more growing though so do i

Y’s poems moved me..how much more do i treasure words that God have given.

Lost friends that met me, i feel grateful and blessed that God has kept them well and that we have this bond that’s never ending.

Cousins whose bond have grown thru this time.

Miss Moo’s tears shed are precious, so is her friendship to me.

Nothing greater that time well spent there in Singapore.

But here’s to life back here. Sent here to do HIS work. Sent to bring more hope and glory to HIS kingdom.

Promised HIM I’ll do better this year.

" The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding."-Proverb 9:10

Proverb 3:5-6" Trust in the Lord….with all your heart"
Proverb 19:21"Many are the plans in man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that Prevails."

With HIM what else can i fear?

Ever yours,

What ’s the average time a Singaporean sleep i wonder?

I used to laugh at the thought that the Japanese sleep earlier..but its either they do not sleep much  or they sleep at 9 or 10pm (jap time).

My problem. I can’t sleep.

Is it stressed? Not used to someone not being beside me? Don’t know? But i feel like the last few weeks have passed so fast. I have less than 2 weeks before i return to the land of the rising sun.

Met some people that I’ve wanted to meet. Lost some weight, ate and drank a lot. Made up for lost time with some of them too.

Think i might not be able to meet everyone though …gomen (sorry).

I think after grandma’s passing ….we all grieved in different ways…We all try to go on , life is like that.

Yet in the night when we have time to ourselves we think of her.

I just found out that the boy, Kaion has 95% cancer cells in his bone marrow..Everyone is praying for him. I can only imagine how his Mom feels.

Losing a mother, Losing a child. It has to be difficult. How would i deal with something like that? Would I flee like before? Drown myself in sadness. Who knows ?

Yet in All my uncertainty i know that He is looking down on us…Yet you are there Father.

"Oh judge me oh Lord for i am so unworthy..i am weak in the flesh, i tend to hide from your holiness. "

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It has been a most interesting valentine’s day.

Looked up an old friend at and we chatted till 2plus in the morning. Felt like old times

When home and just lazed the day away doing nothing. It felt nice actually…

Talked to mummy and gave her a massage, think i’m the only one awake.

D sent me a card….ha ha as usual he is always on time.I love the card He said " it is not good for man to be alone…" In my case not good for woman too, for too long anyway.

Truth is i Miss Him..really alot but being here i tend to ask myself, who’s the true phoebe? The expat homemaker? Am i losing my identity in japan? Or creating a new one?

Don’t get me wrong, i enjoy staying in japan. Helping out and doing the things i’ve always wanted to do. D says that this time is a fantasy time. Things may change. I agree. I’m used to change. Yet at times i still fear change but i know that God is there with us

Just that being here….reminds me of the many things that i would have to face when we return..

All in good and God’s time i guess. Miss D…

Kami sama wa zeh hii.

  Another sleepless night perhaps, well actually i’m feeling so strange. Since i got here things have changed so much and i wonder if i can go back to Tokyo the same girl. Been thinking of all the people that i have lost contact with and how life goes on day to day , year to year. I guess death is a part of life. Just feeling melancholy and a little lost.

I miss David sometimes i feel like he is the rock in my life and without him i tend to think of my old ways. Funny how human we are and though God forgives us for our sins, He always needs to remind us how tempting they can be.

I feel selfish. Just wanted time to myself and just wanted to make myself happy. Too much things going through my mind. Seeing my mom get upset sometimes just makes me worry more. Would time ease all troubles away?

What are trials but to give us strength…

" show me thy ways, O Lord; teach me thy paths…" psalm 25:4

It is a sad thing to say Goodbye to someone you love.

It was painful to see her grow weaker and weaker but she still continued to be strong for us till the very end not showing any pain till she met my eldest auntie that came in from Hong Kong.

Come to think of it that was just 2 weeks ago. That memory still feels fresh. Seems like we did not have enough time to tell her all the things we wanted to say.  God was good enough to let us spend time with her and to be at her bedside while she took her last breath.

Her daughters held her as they kneeled, cousins all curled together in tears and for a moment i did not know what to do. All seemed too surreal. Then i saw my sister and cousin Huiyi together in prayer and i went to join them.

Peace then filled me. Perhaps i will see her again.

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I read this to family and friends just before they cremated her.

" Dearest Ma ma                                                  30th January

Your warm memories never Fade even as Amber’s burn,

Your smile still reigns in our Hearts and Minds.

God willing We’ll see you in Heaven sometime in eternity,

Where our bodies are no longer an object but we are able to run healthy and forever free.

Indeed you have left behind a Legacy of Love and Bond.

Indeed your life was great.

There can never be another one like you.

No one can replace.

Goodbye Mama,

Goodbye till we meet again.

Ever loving ,

Pei.

-Yea , when this flesh and heart shall fail and mortal life shall cease. I shall possess, within the veil,  a life of joy and peace.-Amazing Grace-

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Perhaps in heaven language is not a barrier In heaven there will be no pain and our bodies will be a new one. I hope that i will see Mama there, her face smiling at me.

To the many friends who have been encouraging and a source of comfort i say thanks. Through it all God has been my comforter and strength and may He continue to be so.

As for my mom, today she seems like her normal self again. I think that I am very much like her. Strong on the surface but soft in the heart. Pray that God will guide me in comforting her and guiding Him to her.

"All men are like grass,and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever."-1 Peter 24-25

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 6-7

I too was like Peter, i realized that when i first received Christ i had turned away from Him many times, but he showed me he loved me at my darkest time and His blood saved me and gave me new hope, new joy.

———————————————————————Dearest Cousins,

May we continue to be a close family.May we all be strong in this time of sadness, may we be pillars of strength and hope to our loved ones.

"Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us." Romans 5: 5

" I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

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To My Grandma

Mama, i am blessed to have known you for 28years. You gave birth to my mom who has been my pillar of strength and you were hers. Indeed as Ting says you both are so similar. Call me selfish but i wish i get to eat your cooking 1 last time. You told me you will teach me to cook sweet potato soup and peanuts with chicken wing tips, you didn’t.

I wish i can still see you in your room laying on your chair as you watch your favorite drama while the others gossip around you.

Our moments were always in the kitchen while you cut chillies or were busy preparing something i would go to you and ask if you needed help you always said " bu yong, chu qu ji li hen re" -no need , go out its hot here. Sometimes i would stay to help you a little but usually i leave to get out of the way. In that way you were always putting our comfort before yours.

I love taking an afternoon nap on your old bed, it always smells of you. I understand why you like laying there. You get to see all the pictures of your grand children in their wedding and graduation best. You took pride in every one of us and loved us all. Annabel told me that you can even remember all our birthday months. You gave us all red packets each year.

From your bed you could see the sky as a breeze flow in. I think you thought of Gong Gong many times and i can almost imagining you gossiping with mummy and tua yi.  You loved all your children didn’t you? I can tell. They all love you while you were here and more so now that you’re not.

At my wedding you told David to take care of me and i him.

The last thing you told David was to take care of me too, thank you , thank you for always caring for me. I promised you that i will take care of mummy for you and that we shall always be close as a family. I intend to keep to that promise so don’t worry okay.

Mama I do not know if you heard our prayers but I believed you did , God did answer our prayers in many ways perhaps you have heard him too.

I shall always remember everything about this last few weeks. Your smile the 1st time you saw me. Your small laugh when i gave you the rabbit, your determination to be strong till the end. Your smooth face,hands, legs. The smell of olay. Your soft, beautiful white hair. The way your hand felt under mine and your last words.

There are still so many things i want to say but then again you will say "Pei ah i know, just be a good girl to your mummy and a good wife to your husband."

Never really got to tell you but i want to say now.

Ma ma I love you and always will.

Goodbye forever.

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It is cold today, 7degrees. I still have to pack and do some cleaning but i wanted to share this:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers. neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Found out 2 days ago that My grandma (ma ma) is dying from lung cancer. I cried the whole day yesterday. And the moment i heard about it i was in despair.

It cannot be….I have not seen her and have so many things i want to share with her. I have not  said i love her and she has not seen the kids that i would have .

Fay Ann told me that her legs are as big as my arms. And she had asked her when will she and Greg were to have kids. Her heart ached when  ma ma said that . Ma ma kept telling them ( my cousins and my sister) that D and myself will be back this weekend.

I told Fay i was sharing with some ladies in church yesterday  how we eat chilli with everything while they ate theirs with plums and radish. I started to wept at the thought of how lovingly my grandma would prepare chillies and fried fish for me to take back to Tokyo.

Am i selfish for wanting her to live forever? Am i sad for my mom?

I had so many questions.

I woke up at 5:45am yesterday after sleeping for 4hours. D laid beside me sound asleep. I felt restless and wanted to talk to someone. So when Pastor Jerry returned my emailed i called him. He prayed with me and i decided to call my BSF (Bible Study fellowship) leader, Png.

What she told me encouraged me a great deal. She said that she had asked herself why her now successful son Paul was blind on one eye , like perhaps Paul in the Bible was. But now she is proud of that.

God gives us trials , not ones that we cannot bear but ones that can help strengthen us and in turn Glorify Him. I intend to bring this home with me.

This i ask humbly, that all my friends pray with us for my dearest grandma . Pray for the strength that we need for the trials to come and the wisdom to handle all situations.

i know we can do all things thru Christ who strengthen and heals.

"My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare."psalm 26 :15

Nehemiah 1:5-6 " O Lord, God of heaven , the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and obey his commands, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to heart the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night…"

Just received a card and gift from my father. He sent me a card from his company with season greetings and signed off dad. I wept when i read it.

Seems like this time of the year is the hardest for me. I often feel alienated, a foreign object to this land of the rising sun. Though i know that i was brought here for many reasons, as always missing home on a winter morning becomes a ritual for me.

I’m happy to be here for D and truly i feel i have learned alot the past year and a half. He said i have grown. Have i?

I dived in to my latest obsession my parties on 23rd and 30th. Trying to perfect it the best i can . The music , the arrangements, everything.  Leave it to God to lead?
No, the music has to be the best to glorify him. Visions of BSC choir filled my mind. I remember the closeness i felt singing the hymns and wanted my friends to feel that too. Not caring for their feelings or thoughts.

A friend broke down during our choir practice. Perhaps it was culture differences? Perhaps i was too harsh or she too sensitive. But something she said made sense, something that D often speaks about. " Love, isn’t it the most important thing ?" .
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D asked me in the car on the way home.

" I don’t Know much about music . But what makes a choir good? The perfect sound or when voices are not perfect but people are singing with joy in their hearts?"

"Joy?" I thought about it. Have i been feeling Joy? I had been so focus on creating the perfect sound for God than I’ve forgotten that He takes pride on our Joy, Our glorifying Him. He sees the heart.

I told D " Why do we have so many faults though we try our best to change them little by little, new ones keep showing?"

"That’s when you know you are growing and that the Lord is showing you how to overcome them." He gently said.
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So with new found Joy , Peace and Hope i look forward to this sat. We even plan on going to the hospital to sing for K and some kids in their ward. With God’s strength.

I’m so happy that we are returning home for holidays soon.
NOTE to one’s self- cherish family and spend more time with them.

What are your skeletons in the past year?
Have you overcome them?
What about next year ?
What do you hope to achieve?

Think about them. For me i hope i have grown wiser over the year and that i can bring into the new year. A new me.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A JOYOUS BLESSED NEW YEAR!!!

PS: We welcome the new arrivals of this year

Marie’s babe girl- Illie(thats her on the left) , Hikaru (Light)-Minnie’s baby boy and of course Jason, Yi kai that came to visit us. We had such a lovely time.He look like Sky sky …really"" …10months old i think i just miss sky….

okie then to all a Wondrous new year…will put more pics soon.

Oh yes 2 presents for all of you ….ha ha ,
My latest works…

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How it was, Christmas

Tippy toeing up the stairs at 9,
Holding my head up high,
rubbing my eyes.
Hoping to see my sock full of goodies,
and of course the presents under the Christmas tree.

Still tippy toeing on Christmas morning,
making tea and yawning ,
it warms my heart as the morning is dawning,
knowing He was born this Christmas day.

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What would you do?

Would He cry when He sees this world not wanting Him?
Still they smile,
throw sticks and curses,
as slowly He walks the street.

Would i know of HIs great love for me,
if he was not sacrificed like a sheep?
Would i have wept?
would i have been saved?
Would i have found the peace finally that i had longed?

" O Holy Night, the stars are shining brightly.
Tis is the night of our dear Saviour’s Birth…."